Self-Titled

There’s a condition that afflicts many innocent, hard-working people around the world every day. Its victims suffer from light sensitivity, disorientation, lethargy, sleep deprivation, and depression. There is no cure, but some drugs temporarily alleviate its symptoms. Many people manage to live somewhat normal lives through proper treatment. I’m referring, of course, to waking up before 9 AM, which I had to do all this week and expect to continue doing until my body gives out. Please donate to my relief fund.

I started my job at Microsoft on Monday. Monday and half of Tuesday were spent attending orientation, where I and other new employees were introduced to Microsoft the company, Microsoft the paycheck giver, Microsoft the health benefits giver, Microsoft the ethical enterprise, and the like. We were also issued our employee badges and e-mail addresses. I’m now an official Microsoft newbie!

I reported to my building on Tuesday and couldn’t find my manager. Eventually I found some people I had met when I visited there before I had decided to accept the job offer, and we went out to lunch at the cafeteria near our building. The food was decent, but not great, and there seemed to be a good variety. I’ll probably get sick of it all eventually, but right now it’s all good. After lunch, my colleagues (I have colleagues…weird) found my office and my manager. It turned out I had to move my computer, which was still in boxes, across the street and set up temporarily there. Moving and setting up my computer took the rest of the day. I’ve spent the rest of my time since then arranging things in my office and configuring software on my computer. It’s a long, slow process; I won’t be done setting up until next week.

I immediately liked my office mate, Varun (rhymes with maroon); my development lead (my immediate boss), Joel; and my manager (my boss’s boss), Dwayne. The team members that I’ve met so far have been open and friendly too, so all in all, everything is off to a good start, I think.

It’s exciting to sense the intelligence and capability that I’m surrounded by now. I was thrilled by a conversation I had today with a team member about functional programming. I’m not used to being around other people who share my passions and interests, especially within computation.

Some people like to work on their computers with the lights off, and I can’t for the life of me understand why or come to like it.  You can’t very well see the keyboard, your desk, or anything really.  You have to squint into a bright light bulb for hours at a time, which I’ve heard isn’t good for your eyes, and it doesn’t seem to actually make the monitor easier to look at.  I’ve seen offices partitioned into “light” and “dark”, and it’s just silly.

If I ever get stuck working in a dark office, I’ll bring my own lighting and force anyone who wants to enter my office or cubicle to don the sunglasses and unfold the umbrella I will provide them to help shelter them from the unholy rays shining down upon them.  The least I can do is be sensitive to their condition.

Being a computer science major, my job after graduation will most likely entail working in an office. I’ll have to attend meetings. If I’m promoted, I’ll have to attend even more meetings. If I progress higher into the ranks, I’ll lose more and more of my day to the time suck of meetings to the point where I can’t get anything useful done during normal hours. I’ll have to develop a second personality to come into the office to get something done at night while I rest up, hopefully while not starting a club at the same time.

It would be nice to have an Inflatable Me that could take my place at meetings, speak only when spoken to or nudged, and never commit me to more work. For example, when a fellow prisoner-of-meeting asks Inflatable Me something, it could say things like:

• That can’t be done.
• I’ll have to check my spreadsheet.
• My sources say no.

What else could it say?